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May. 28th, 2012


(no subject)

I've been writing here mostly.


Mar. 29th, 2012


(no subject)

some interested people have been asking me about the esl process. the following is that process explained.

Step by Step guide to the esl processCollapse )

Mar. 14th, 2012

Calvin. Brain. Hereyougo.

(no subject)

it hit me the other day that K and I have been together over a year. whoa. how the hell did that happen?

last weekend was amazing. we spent it curled up, watching movies, drinking wine, talking. we baked up some garlic cheddar biscuits which were so good they turned me on. we took a walk. we held hands. joked, laughed, made fun of one another, cuddled.

today i got a phone call from my contact in korea. i'm to leave the country for south korea on april the 6th, which is roughly 2 and a half weeks from now. i'll be gone for a year, teaching 10-12 year olds.

when joe told me, the bottom of my heart fell out. this has been a long time coming, but it didn't hit me until then. in filmmaking, there's a pretty intense shot where you push the camera in as you zoom the camera out at the same time. the effect is this depth-distorting feeling. most directors use it when the characters in frame have just realized something HUGE. it's precisely the way i felt.

man. it's been so long since i've actually sat down and written something that this process feels foreign. how is this happening? how are these words bleeding from my mind, down my arms, to my fingertips? how is anything happening?

i'm in love as much as i am afraid. a woman's heart is a fickle thing, and i don't know if K is ready for this. i just hope that if she decides to give up on me, she has the strength to tell me as soon as she knows it. i worry that she's rethinking everything as we speak.

it wouldn't be the first time i was left holding the wrong end of a long distance relationship.

lately, in the shower, i've taken to wondering if this scenario is a lesson that i'm supposed to learn. part of me thinks the moral of the lesson is "don't get involved in long distance relationships."

but part of me knows that if she stays faithful, i will turn my heart into a pretty pink loofah and bathe her with my sudsy love for the rest of my life. and it'll all be so, so worth it.

though i've stayed positive, it's difficult for me. i'll freely admit that. it seems that everywhere i turn, i find myself with extreme ends of the spectrum. i hear about unfaithful relationships among the friends in my circles, i hear about old high school buddies' marriages and newborns. is there a middle ground? how do i always find myself the odd man out? am i just the odd man?

agi told me once that she thinks my problem is that i'm too intelligent. i think too much. love is a labor for the complex and a cakewalk for the simple.

that's why i've resigned myself to enjoy korea, rather than wallow in a broken heart. i'm going to be here and now while i'm there and then, if that makes a lick of sense at all. and when i skype her, she'll have me. all of me. and i'll look at here with twinkling stars in my eyes, and she'll know they're hers.

sigh. but i miss her already.

Feb. 4th, 2012


(no subject)

I've been cutting things out of my life as ruthlessly as one would cut out a tumor.

first, it was reddit.
then, it was facebook friends.
then, it was facebook in general.
then, it was livejournal friends.

my question to you, dear readers, is the following.

"does anyone actually read this thing?"

Oct. 12th, 2011


if you like it, repost it.

The problem with social injustice is that it's a lot like an abusive relationship.

Early on, it looks like it's perfect. They help you, you help them, it's reciprocal. The love is good.

But then, eventually, little by little, your significant other starts gaining power by putting you down. This downfall starts when they take everything away that you identify yourself with...

...so that you identify yourself based on your relationship with them.

Then, when you start questioning why you feel like shit all the time, they tell you that it's all your fault. You're not doing enough. "You're selfish. You never think about what I need. Why are you attacking me? After all I've done for you?" By this time, you have no self-worth, so you believe everything they say and work harder to please them. 

Once your teeth are gone, they start thinking they can do anything they want. This is when they really start ruining your life. They go through your phone, they read your e-mail, they "borrow" your money, they take your friends away by saying that you're cheating on them. You're so messed up at this point that you let them. You believe them.

After all, you know what abuse is, right? You have a friend who used to get hit by their boyfriend. Your relationship's not that bad, right?

That's why, when I read something online about people who think that protesters in recent days are whiny or pathetic or stupid or "entitled," I don't hate them. I pity them. They think that way because they still BELIEVE it. They believe that there's nothing wrong with the relationship with our government.

"It's not that bad. I don't know how I could live without them. They have my best interests at heart. Everything's fine."

But if you can open your eyes and look around you, you'll see that we're in a really, really abusive relationship right now, and we've got to get out.

Oct. 2nd, 2011


(no subject)

I want education reform, because it's senseless that we can have a bullet for every person on the planet but not enough books to go around in a high school classroom. this is what you get when you have politicians, men who have never attended a public school in their lives, passing laws on education.

I want to put an end to the electoral college. it was put in place because politicians didn't think we knew what we doing, but now we have the internet.

I want health care reform, because it's fucked up that I have reason to believe my government doesn't want me completely healthy.

I want an objective 3rd party to investigate the business practices of the pharmaceutical companies.

I want the news to tell me the FUCKING NEWS, because I don't give a shit that Britney Spears vejazzled her hoo hoo, but I do give a shit about police brutality on wallstreet. Guess which one the news wants to show me every day. It's sad that I think we should pass a fucking law saying that the news should try using their 1st amendment rights once in awhile.

I want tax reform, because the poor are eating gorilla lips on private jets while working class families are skipping breakfast again.

I want our military to CHILL THE HELL OUT AND QUIT SENSELESSLY DESTROYING LIVES. and while we're at it, I want our government to stop selling weapons to countries that really, really want them so they can bomb us in 10 years.

I want prison reform, because our nation's fathers were locked up for trying to feed their children by any means necessary. On a side note, I want to legalize pot for the same reason.

I want the end of bipartisan system in america, because republicans v. democrats is like aliens v. predators: no matter who wins, we lose. let's dismantle both into 5 groups each and then work with a multi-party system. I'm sick of picking between two bullies.

Putting politicians in power is like putting paedophiles in charge of your daycare. Everyone gets fucked.

(no subject)

i've caught you spreading rumors and lying to people behind my back. again.

this is the last time. you've abused every kindness i've ever showed you by reciprocating with lies and manipulative bullshit behind my back. you worked like a weasel, using every chance you got to to keep potential friends and lovers from ever liking or getting to know me.

simply put, my friendship is a blessing that you don't deserve. i'm cutting you out of my life.

to any others who are friends with me on various social media outlets simply to spy on me, i have one question to ask you: don't you have anything more productive to do with your life? isn't there a hobby you could pick up? isn't the only thing that comes from you spying on me negativity? don't you see you need to get a fucking life?

Sep. 1st, 2011


(no subject)

last year, i broke up with lindsay. it took me months to figure out why.

one day, over this past summer, kimesha, a coworker at college summit asked me how things were going between me and "that girl." i said we had broke up. she asked me why, and in a moment of clarity, i answered.

"she couldn't give me feedback."

yeah, that sounds funny out of context, but it's true. getting better as a person in all facets of life is important to me. i want to be the best i can be. i'm not a child. i don't want someone to look at my shitty accomplishments, tell me how good they are, and put them on a fridge. nah, i want to be honed. and sharpened. and forged. like a good weapon.

lately, i've been seeing kaitlynn, and i like her a lot... but it's taken me a good while to know why.

one day last week, i got drunk with kimesha and introduced her to kaitlynn. the first thing out of her mouth was "does she give good feedback?"

and yes, yes she does. she's brutal. when i ask her opinion on something, she comes at me like a flintstone and sparks fly when her opinion hits. to me, this is what support is. it's not someone who's there to "catch me when i fall," and keep me safe from harm, but someone who can LIFT ME UP higher than what i would be on my own.

i guess what i wanted to say is that i'm thankful, even if it never goes any farther than this, even if it fizzles out while i'm in charleston, i'm thankful for all that she's done for me.

Jul. 22nd, 2011


compare/contrast fictional worlds.

This entry will probably come off as pessimistic. oh well.

Erin asked me who i've been hanging out with lately. I told her the fictional characters from my book. I'd tell you about them/the book and all, but that's a pet peeve of mine.




nigga i didn't even ask you. and i SHO as FUCK ain't interested.

I also have a bit of... anxiety? gift anxiety, i guess? when i tell someone about it. Parts of it sound crazy stupid out loud, but i justify that by thinking about what JK Rowling must've felt like saying her main female's name was Hermione Granger. Her name sounds like an STD.

In an effort to make myself feel better and to sort of give myself a goal to shoot for, I made a chart the other day comparing and contrasting my favorite fictional worlds-- Star Wars. Lord of the Rings. Harry Potter. Avatar, the Last Airbender.

For example, let's look at Main Characters. the question here is DO YOU LIKE THEM. DO YOU RELATE TO THEM. WOULD YOU HANG OUT WITH THEM.

Luke Skywalker. I would never, ever, ever hang out with Luke Skywalker.  Okay, he's innocent. Whatever. We can all relate to his childlike sense of curiousity or some bullshit. Fact is, he's a manchild. No wonder star wars has a cult following. Less than a geek, Luke is a Dweeb. Luke's like that kid in high school that parts his hair, tucks his shirt into his underpants EVERY DAY, and is too lame to realize he really doesn't have any friends.

Frodo/Aragorn. Frodo's awful whiny and Aragorn's kind of flat. I mean, I get that Frodo's basically addicted to heroin there at the end. That's cool, i get that. I also understand that the ring is a metaphor for ego and we gotta let it go to achieve enlightenment. That's deep. Do I like reading about frodo? no. Aragorn? yes, but only because he's an action movie star. all swords and explosions, not much in the way of emotion. Frodo's that kid in school who got addicted to meth, but kicked it later and became buddhist.  you have his respect, but you'd never hang out with him because you know it'd be awkward. Aragorn, on the other hand, went to school IN THE FOREST. WITH BEARS.

Harry Potter. Harry Potter is an douchebag. And not like a funny asshole, or even a necessary dick (the kind of person you keep around to put assholes in their place), no. He's just a whiny, hormonal douchefuck. For CHRISSAKES HARRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE DRACO MALFOY BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. PHYSICALLY. JESUS. also, FOR CHRISSAKES HARRY IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR LAME AND WHINY FRIEND RON, BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. Harry's just a catty, whiny fucker. DROP YOUR BALLS, GET LAID, SMOKE WEED, AND GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF. Harry Potter's that dramatic asshole in theatre who can't stop crying or fighting with his friends for two seconds to realize the world doesn't revolve around himself. And, at the reunion, he's still a dick.

Let's just say I'd be a ravenclaw.

Aang. Aang is the shit. He's cooler than Luke, he's more developed than Aragorn and more actiony than Frodo, and he DOESN'T COMPLAIN OR BITCH AT HIS FRIENDS LIKE HARRY. Aang is hilarious, funloving, asskicking, and innocent without being a dweeb. In high school, everyone would want to be around him all the time.

If your interested, I made a whole chart about this shit. It goes from Main Character to 2ndary Mains to Supporting roles, World, Villains, love interests, fights, etc. right now, I've taken up enough of your friendspage.

Jul. 19th, 2011


(no subject)

i'm deleting more people off of this. i just got too much dead weight on here; a lotta people don't comment, don't write. *snap-snap* and I JUST DON'T NEED THAT IN MY LIFE.

my early philosophical tendencies began with the notion of Universal Truths. As a child, I'd lay in bed, thinking about things that i held near and dear to my heart.


world peace was always the end-goal. now, i understand that world peace won't probably happen anytime soon. we'll have to develop a hell of a lot emotionally and spiritually to overcome the subversive human limitation of violence. there is Truth, but that truth lies in our collective subconsciousness. and there are many truths, but they're all subjective.

i've spent this summer beefing myself up on philosophy and samurai flute. i've gotten good.

i just got back from 4 weeks of college summit. to describe that is kind of like trying to describe enlightenment-- dat shit just ain't gonna happen. learned a hell of a lot about myself and those around me. often, i feel like my coworkers there understand me with more depth than any other person on earth, especially my friends. i miss those coworkers already, and i know they think of me. i often wonder if those i hang out with here particularly notice when i'm gone. i've determined i shouldn't care. i should be where i am when i'm being there.

kelly rowland's been playing throughout the apartment ad infinitum. this song is HOT.

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